Day 1 of Week 4

Well my pants are getting looser. Not by a whole lot, and not enough for anyone to notice but me.

I also switched back to skim milk.  I was reading the nutritional facts on the 2% we've been buying, and it's 5 grams of fat per cup! So if I'm eating cereal, and I use 2 cups of milk, I may as well add 10 grams of fat onto my bowl of cereal. No wonder I've gained weight since I moved into this apartment!

For breakfest today, I had a bowl of strawberries and cream oatmeal and a banana. (This is my new favorite breakfast!)

For lunch I had a tuna sandwhich (using 1 tblspoon of light and fit mayo, and a generous portion of mustard & pepper for taste) on toasted whole grain bread, a 90 calorie pack of light and fit smore rice cakes, and a almond granola bar.

I went to the gym yesterday morning too.  I pulled up expecting the place to be packed on a Sunday morning, but much to my surprise, there was only 1 person there. Literally. No workers either because since it's a 24 hour gym, you swipe outside of the door to activate the lock when the employees are gone. So aside from the one older man keeping to himself on the weights in the back, I had the the whole gym to myself.  I FINALLY got to use the elliptical that I've been wanting to use for weeks. (There are two ellipticals, one works with a swinging motion, and one works with gliding).  I prefer the gliding elliptical, but every time I've been to the gym, there is a lesbian on it. The one day, she finally got off, and then she happily showed her girlfriend how to use it immediately after. So I've been forced to use the swinging elliptical where there are no lesbians present.

So I did 10 minutes on the lesbian elliptical, before moving to the bike.  I cycled for 10 minutes again, before doing a 5 minute fat burning level on the stair stepper. The stair stepper is a rediculously hard machine to use if you are out of shape, even a low level, the stair stepper will dominate you.  Even when I was working out all the time, and was skinny and in shape, I could never do more than 10 minutes on the stair stepper. So I was proud at a measly 5.

From there, I went to my favorite crunchie machine, and did 30 reps at 40 pounds.  I did various arm machines also, and I definately felt those! I did a few leg machines too, working the back of my thighs and calves, before going onto the dreaded swinging, lesbian-free elliptical for 3 short minutes to stretch my legs. So I was there a solid hour before I stepped out into the rain filled afternoon.

For dinner I had a salad, some grilled chicken with a bit of mushroom soup on top, and sadly, beer. Something about Sundays puts that beer in my hand. I thank the makers of Budweiser for making 55 calorie beer. Thank you Budweiser, thank you.

I was good the rest of the night, I curved my after dinner snacking by eating popcicles and drinking water. (Yes I switched to water eventually).

I just keep thinking to myself, "One day at a time."

One more thing...

I lied.

I got on a scale on Monday. I didn't get the exact weight, because my brain was screaming at me so loud to 'GET OFF!' that I simply ball parked an etimated weight.  I jumped off, grabbed my stuff and raced out of there.

My mind has been trying to block it out, but instead of it wanting me to give up like it normally would, it made me that much more determined.

I drove home that night, grinning. 

I'd finally conquered my fear.

Day 3 of Week 3

I did it.

I finally got up at 7 a.m. (a half hour before I actually get up for work) and did pilates.  I've been trying to drag myself out of bed for months trying to get motivated enough to do a few simple crunches and a few push ups. Normally my alarm goes off at 7, and I reset it to go off again at 7:30.  Today my alarm went off, and as if on cue, Poster hopped up on my chest and prodded around. He just saying to me, "Get up lazy ass, you've been trying at this for how long now, come on."

So, I get up, surprisingly feeling good about it.  I did a 15 minute extensive ab workout (since that's my main focus right now aside from my arms). And about 8 minutes or so of another abs and back work out. At one point I was doing criss cross crunches, after each excersize in pilates, you are told to pull your legs into your chest and relax your neck. As I'm 'relaxing' my neck, Poster has positioned himself directly under my head, as if he was a pillow. I had to stop and laugh. He wasn't taking to my new morning routine very well though. I think he was confused as to why I was not letting him participate (since I was in the middle of the living room floor).  So finally, he just sat on the table on watched, seemingly annoyed.

I  was a little dissapointed upon being finished, because I didn't feel that 'burn' that long so hard to have.  But, I'll tell you what, an hour later I definately felt it. My stomach and sides (my muffin handles), were aching.

For breakfast I had a bowl of oatmeal, with a half a banana chopped into it (this is great by the way!) and I ate the other half alone. I followed this with a vitamin and a tiny glass of V8.

For lunch today, I'm having a tuna sandwhich, on rye, with some carrots.

Snack today, a small bag of wheat thins or a granola bar.

I'm never really sure about dinner.  Ben and I have been buying bags/frozen chinese entrees from Aldi's with grilled shrimp or chicken, with some rice and veggies.  But last night I was bad and I made a meatloaf with a side of corn. For a snack I had a half a bowl of light and fit popcorn and a popsicle. 

I am going to the gym after work today. I am going to do about a half hour of cardio, as I have been, and then work my arms with some bench pressing again.  By the way, this is not an actual bench press, its a machine similar to a bowflex that allows you do several different weight training techniques with various muscles in your arms and shoulders.  I just wanted to clear this up.  I am not actually laying on a bench and working out like a biker in the back of an auto shop.

"So," I thought to myself this morning, "What is my goal?" The answer I came up with: I want to be able to wear a tank top, shorts and sandles this year. I also want to buy a cute bathing suit and not have to scower the shelves for one that fits and doesn't look stupid. I want to be able to just throw something on and be like 'Wow, this looks good.'

I can't give up this time. I'm sick of feeling trapped in my own skin.

I want my drivers license to be telling the truth.

Day 2 of Week Three

Breakfast: 1 packet of oatmeal, 1 banana.

I went to the gym last night. Since I haven't worked out in, geez, 3 maybe 4 years now, I'm pretty out of shape.  I did cardio for 20 minutes only, switching between an inclined eliptical machine and the treadmill, because I was afraid that my heart was going to explode out of my chest. Then I worked on the bench press machine, doing 20 reps with 30 pound weights. Then I did 50 reps on the crunch machine, at 30 pounds.  My upper body is pretty sore today. But it's a good hurt.  A hurting that indicates that I did something good.  Right now, I can't work out for very long.  It's a little dissapointing, but I don't want to push myself.  I have to start out small at first.  Nobody walks into the gym the first two times and works out for 3 hours with extensive cardio and weights, it takes time to reach a professional level with anything. I consider myself an intern right now, working my way up to management.

I hate when I'm sharing my new habits and goals with people, and their response is less then interested. I reach out for support, but it seems whoever I talk too is thinking, 'Yeah ok," and I can read it all over their face. That's how some people are it seems though. They are jealous of you finally taking a step in the right direction, so they have to knock you back off course. It makes them feel better knocking you down because it gives them more pride in what they aren't doing. My boyfriend is supportive of me.  He always tells me "Good for you," and even though he may not be, acts genuinely interested when I blabber on to him about what I did that day, or what I did or didn't eat that day. I appreciate that about him. He'd tell me I looked good, no matter how much I try to convince him and myself that I do not.

One thing I do know though, my drivers license information is lying.

Week 3

Well it's the beginning of the 3rd week of my diet and so far, I think I've gained weight. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong here. I figured that maybe beer could be the problem, so I've switched brands to a 55 calorie beer. I've also limited myself to one can of diet pop for lunch. I drink my alcohol on the weekends, but during the week, I drink plenty of water and eat lots of veggies and fiber. I've shaved down all my portions. I've heard a rumor that you gain weight before you lose it, but come on.

I have not weighed myself, nor will I. I refuse to go near a scale until I actually physically feel smaller. I know that getting on a scale at this point would only kill my spirit and sabotage what it is that I'm trying to accomplish.

Right now, I've set my goal weight loss at 20 pounds. Except, I'm not really sure at how I'm going to be able to tell what it is until I get on a scale, but that's the scary part to me. I am very sensitive about my body, and I think that scales are evil.

Breakfast today: 1 cup of raisin bran with half a cup of 2% milk and a fat free, light yoplait.
Lunch: A salad with only a few croutons and 2 tbl of low fat ranch.

Not sure about dinner yet. Most likely some soup.
During the beginning of the process I thought to myself, 'I'm going to try this, but I know it's not going to work.' In my mind, I have accepted that I was just meant to be a thicker person. So part of me had already given up before I'd even started. I am certainly my own worst critic. Except yesterday, I was reading a 'Self' magazine. There was an article in it about girls who have worked with Jillian Michaels, the aerobic trainer that's always on TV. One of them reminded me of myself. She was hard on herself, and kept telling herself that she couldn't do it. Finally, Jillian said, "I want you to leave the gym and not come back until you can realize 'why NOT me?' instead of 'why me?' all the time."

This got me thinking. This phrase keeps running through my mind over and over and that one little article, in a magazine I reluctantly spent $4 dollars on at the dollar store, has changed my way of thinking. That's very true. How do all those girls do it? They were all WAY bigger than I am and they all look awesome now. I am not made of some other anatomy to where my body won't do that too.

I am going to the gym after work. And I'm actually happy about it.