Thursday, March 18, 2010

Help me Jillian Michaels

I'm serious, as of today, I am done pittling around with this weight thing. Why is nothing happening yet?!? I must be doing something wrong! BUT WHAT IS IT?!?! Ahh! So I'm just going to have to work that much harder and get over my dumb little dislikings for treadmills and what not. I've been at this for over two months now and NOTHING has happened! I have lost a few pounds give or take, but I thought by now I'd at least lost a pant size...but no. For a couple days, I thought that my clothes were fitting looser, but I kid you not, I think they've gotten tighter. This is so frustrating, I could just cry right now. I'm just going to come out and say it, I hate the way I look. HATE it. I have a disgusting ripply body that I'm ashamed of, and I'm so mad at myself for letting it get this way.  I'm also sick of trying so hard at something that isn't even working. I take back what I said, I think my body is made up of some other weird anatomy because working out for two months and eating right and having nothing happen is unheard of.

I've also been playing with the fact that maybe I'm mentally not letting the weight go.  I swear I can give myself the flu by just thinking about it, so maybe I'm stressing myself out so much trying to lose it that I'm just keeping the weight on. Stress makes you gain weight right? I just don't even know anymore. Between this and my constant acid indigestion, I've just had it! I could yell out a whole bunch of profanity and words starting with F right now, but I won't. I'll just think them.

I swear that over the next two months or so, I AM going to get this weight off. I think the acid indigestion is caused by the weight, so I can solve two problems in one. I mean come on, 50 year old women on Biggest Loser can lose it, then so can I dammit!

OK. Had to get that out.

But I'm serious. I can't take it anymore. I hate going into a store and seeing cute shirts that I have to pass up, and dreading buying a bathing suit every summer, and being humiliated going out in it. The phrase, 'Pool Party' gives me seizures. I'm just done living like that. I want to throw on a cute tank top and a skirt this summer and not have to hide it under layers of shirts and pants that took me 4 hours to find. It seriously makes me so sad. I remember my grandpa told me a few years ago, "Just remember, there's a skinny girl in there somewhere". Yeah I was pretty upset by that, but he was right. And my Aunt who was obese for a few years, but is now a double 00, shoving weightwatchers in my face, while the other Aunt chimed in for a drunk banter about my joining, in front of Ben nonetheless, who at the time, was a fresh boyfriend of 2 months. That's not really something you want your two lush anorexically skinny aunts' pointing out in front of your new boyfriend.

He just gave me a hug when we left, and I was crying, and told me not to listen to them. That was night he decided he did not like Aunt Sarah, since her opinions always matter so much more when she's drunk.  If we don't stop what we are doing to go to do whatever it is she suggests, she will stare at you, with her lips pursed in a kissy formation, and give you an evil eye while applying scoop after scoop of lipgloss.

Sigh...well I know ranting about it doesn't do me any good, but my butt is stuck in this chair 8 hours out of the day, so I can't express my anger physically (by working out, not punching things like I feel like doing sometimes). This is one of the reasons I miss waitressing. We went to the bar last night to celebrate St. Patty's day for a little bit, and I was periodically glancing at the bartender. I was jealous of her. She was a little spanish chiquita, cute as a button, running around the bar. Her shift ended at 6 I guess, because the new bartender, Sue, a good hearted older women with a rugged biker look to her, came in to relieve her.  I was jealous of both of them. I saw the spanish girl counting out her tips, and I longed so badly to do that again. I hate sitting here, day after day, staring out the window, talking to little assonine, rich, med students. I know I haven't worked there in almost 4 years, but I miss B-dubs. I miss it so very badly.  I know if I ever tried to go back it wouldn't be the same. All my friends are gone, all the managers are different, but I still have my memories. I know it sounds stupid, but that place was more then just a dumb old waitressing job to me. I had made a countless amount of friends there, a family, a home away from home.  I had as much fun working at that place then I did my sophomore year of highschool, which was by far the best year. There were so many kinds of different people there, so many different places to hang out, it was just great.

I know everything happens for a reason, and had it not, I wouldn't be where I am now. All I need to do now is get this weight off, so I can hopefully be content and make peace with myself.

I am my own worst friend.

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